Well this blog seems to have lost it’s way. I originally wanted to write about my experiences with SA but having been much more troubled by depression, that seems to have dominated my writing. I really don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now, the future just seems to be pointless. I’m sure I could manage to eke out a solitary existence, just scraping by on the most menial job I could find, though they would have to be desperate to hire me since I am apparently not good enough to be trusted sorting books into alphabetical order. I don’t really want to live like that though. It’s hard to imagine how I could hate myself more than I currently do, but to be a pathetic 40 year old still living with my mother, friendless and unloved as I have already been for so long would be the icing on the cake. I don’t want to be that person. My parents are already ashamed of me, the stupid overgrown child who can’t handle life. My mum lied to the people she works with about what I do and also told the neighbours I still have a job even though I haven’t for months and months now. Everyone around me has moved on and become adults, I haven’t even progressed past the childhood stage. I never went through the normal experiences that teenagers have. I don’t know how to interact with people, what kind of things to talk about. Never having had anyone feel affectionate towards me has taken it’s toll on me. People I speak to on the internet (my only form of socialisation) tell me that won’t always be the case, but I can’t see how that is going to change since I only get more pathetic and hideous each day.
I am pretty much resigned to ending my life now while it may still be viewed perhaps as a tragic loss rather than good riddance. Of course I am too cowardly to slit my wrists or anything like that, maybe I’ll try harder to find a place to jump from.
I’m sorry if you found this place looking for SA advice, just know that not everyone with it turns out as bad as me.