It didn’t go quite as badly as I feared. We were both quite quiet, I made as much effort to talk as I could but I got that horrible thing were my throat feels like it’s closing up and I can’t speak properly. I was kind of worried that she was bored stiff the entire time, there were long periods of silence when we were walking around (which we did a lot of, my legs are still aching now!) but my fears were slightly allayed when I got a text message saying that she had a nice time and needed a fun day out. She was lovely though and I’m glad we managed to meet up although I wish it had not been such a long day, I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time I got home.
Today I received a message from one of the SA forum members who lives in the same town and I previously met a couple of times asking me and asked if I wanted to go to a festival type thing tomorrow. I thought about saying no but then remembered all the many months where I did absolutely nothing and wished for the opportunity to break out of my isolated hermit-like existence and changed my mind. I’m hoping this will be slightly less stressful because we’ve met a couple of times before and of course are both in a similar situation with SA.
One thing that is particularly bothering me these days is the fact that I have to appear happy, or at least only slightly down but inside I have practically lost the will to live. When I was waiting at the bus stop in a bad part of town the other night, I suddenly started wondering what would happen if I was stabbed or shot. It seemed like a good way to go, it would save my parents and sister the shame of me doing it myself. Even though I had a mobile with me, I decided I wouldn’t try and call for help if that happened. Alas here I am, still.