Slightly modified version of a post I made on a forum today
I thought I’d been making some progress over the last few months. I’ve got close to my long term goal of going back to university after I dropped out a few years ago, I’ve been accepted and now I’ve just got to wait until the time comes and hope that I’m still feeling like I can manage it.
Despite this, over the last week I’ve been feeling awful and thinking a lot about suicide again 😦 I really don’t feel like I am going to be able to cope with the harsh realities of life. I have trouble even interacting with the understanding and kind social anxiety sufferers that I’ve met, there’s no hope for me dealing with the majority of people who are obnoxious and rude. I’m sick of feeling that no-one will ever like me (I have no real life friends) because of how utterly boring and uninteresting I am to 99.99999% of people. I know a lot of people with SA feel the same way, but I honestly think it is true in my case because I don’t enjoy things that most people consider fun and I can’t relate to the vast majority of people either.
On top of this, and what I fear causes me to be most undesirable, even more than my horrendous social inadequacies, is the fact that my physical appearance is so disgusting to people. If I have to look in the mirror, I just see a monster, I don’t even look like a real person. To others, I appear like I have some kind of mental disability (I can’t think of an inoffensive way to describe what I mean) and people generally assume that I’m “retarded”.
I’ve spoken to my therapist recently about my issues with my appearance, but I don’t think she understands the trouble that it causes me. I don’t appreciate being patronised by her pretending not to know what is plainly obviously wrong with the way I look 😦 There’s no way I can change it without extensive surgery but even that can’t change some of the horrible things about me. I’d also need some kind of acting lessons so I can behave in a way that doesn’t make people assume I’m functionally retarded.
I really don’t know how to get out of this massive depressive state I’m in at the moment 😦 I’ve not slept until 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning the past few days because I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic my life is and how much I wish I could just disappear without a trace. The only thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t want to hurt the few people who like me (i.e. my family who don’t have a choice).