I managed to explain to my mum what happened, and after calling the student finance people I discovered that I’m not eligible for tuition loan because of my previous college course. Apparently even if I had not taken out a loan (which I had to do to pay for it) I still wouldn’t be eligible because of the subsidised fees back then. So they are retroactively punishing people for taking courses when there was more financial help available, great. 

Luckily for me, my mums boyfriend has offered to lend me the money for the first years worth of tuition so I can still go. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a job over next summer to pay for the second year. It’s hard to describe my feelings about this though. On one hand I’m hugely relieved because I was seriously feeling suicidal before when I thought I’d lost everything. I really can’t go on living how I am at the moment, so sheltered and constantly being subjected to snarky comments and discouragement about changing myself. On the other hand, I feel so guilty about taking that amount of money from someone, especially since I don’t really know him all that well (I’m too anxious to hold a proper conversation with him). 

I really want to thank him for his generosity but it’s so hard for me to talk seriously to people, I think I might write him a letter. Anyway, hopefully I’ve got over the arduous process of application by now, there shouldn’t be any more hurdles to overcome before I actually go there.


5 thoughts on “Reprieve

  1. digitalsquid

    hi. hows everything? I usually make decisions when i am high with optimism. cash is one thing, and i hope everything is working good with you. about 2 years ago, i’ve stopped my medications, partly because i didn’t have the guts to be truly honest with my doctor anyway, and because the fees and the price for the medication was something eating up my conscience because my parents were paying for it. after all i’ve put them thru. i really think i need to start medications again. seeing a doctor and just the thought of it still sounds something overwhelming


  2. mspennylane

    I’m sorry to see that you’ve been having problems with your plans for uni. I started when the fees were less, and I can imagine how hard it is for you to imagine how you are going to pay for them. But it is possible, and if you really want it you will be able to do it. Work as much as you can in the time you have left before uni, and also remember that it is possible to live off very small amounts of money if you need to at uni, if you are careful, which would allow you to put some of your loan into paying the fees.

    Working probably seems really hard, with the time and the feelings that will come of it. But actually I think you will be in a good position, you will learn a lot from it instead of wasting your time like a lot of students. And hopefully it will give you the chance to learn some new skills too?

    And I hope you don’t feel too guilty about borrowing the money. Writing a letter would be a great idea, and would probably even mean more to him than saying it face to face!

    Anyway, I don’t want to pretend that I know the answers, it is hard but I think that it is great when you achieve things like that on your own.

    PS. I added your blog to my links, as you write about your feelings dealing with social phobia etc I think it will be really useful for others to read, and especially for getting it out in the open!


  3. I’m sorry to hear that, digitalsquid. I’m lucky really because doctors visits aren’t charged for directly here and medication is a fixed low cost.

    Thanks mspennylane, I’m going to try my best to save up as much as I can. I don’t smoke or drink which is helpful for living costs (but has other downsides that I’m going to write about later). Thanks for all your advice, it is much appreciated 🙂

    I’m honoured that you would link to my blog! I’m going to try and write more regularly, been feeling a bit depressed recently so haven’t had the motivation.


  4. mspennylane

    I know what you mean about motivation, I try not to write too depressively on my blog but at the moment most of the stuff I think to write is depressing, tho I’m trying really hard not to! Anyway no probs about linking, I think its good because it shows there are people out there that suffer with this and that it isn’t crazy!


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