A lot of people’s SA problems stem from irrational beliefs as everyone here probably knows but what can you do when a lot of the things that bother you are rational?
Why should any normal person want to be friends with someone like me who is very boring and has had no life experiences? Even if I wasn’t crippled with fear, I still wouldn’t have anything to talk about. I’ve spent far too long as a recluse and have basically ruined my chances of ever being considered “normal”. Now a lot of people say that being normal is bad, and I know everyone has areas where they are not the best, but it seems that being socially anxious and shy are problems that no-one in society can forgive. People just hate anyone who doesn’t like social occasions and being a loner or “not going out” is a terrible thing in their eyes.
Social anxiety has wrecked my life so far in almost every possible way. In school I was bullied for being shy and clever and a lot about my appearance. I always had the idea in my head that I would do well in life though, that doing well in classes would pay off in the long run. I was wrong though.
Towards the end of school I started missing classes because I was too afraid to face up to a certain girl who used to make fun of me all the time because I was practically mute and weird-looking. As a result my grades went down and I didn’t fulfil my potential at all.
After that I thought I would be able to get away from the people who bullied me and made my life a misery who were supposedly my “friends” but they decided to follow me to the same university and carried on making me depressed.
Even though they were supposedly friends they used to harass me for not being social and going places with them because I was too anxious and I hated them so much I didn’t want to spend any more time with them outside of school. One of them once told me I was pathetic and would always be alone in life and it made me feel like I didn’t want to live any more. My heart would race whenever the phone would ring in case it was them and I had to make an excuse why I couldn’t go out and they’d shout at me and berate me for being unsociable. I thought I could be rid of them but it wasn’t possible.
I didn’t even last a full year at uni because they made me life hell and I just couldn’t cope with the social things that are expected of you at university. I was so depressed and suicidal that I decided to drop out even though I knew it would cause me trouble in the long term.
Anyway now I am an unemployed loser with a worthless college diploma and everyone who made fun of me before is successful and have well paid jobs and girlfriends and places of their own to live and I’m pretty much the same shy, inexperienced 13 year old I was when it all started.
It’s hard to see what the point is in living now, I’ve fucked things up so badly. I owe thousands of pounds in student loans that I used to pay for the college course I did after I dropped out that has got me nowhere.
I spent literally years of my life doing noting but coming home from school/college and staying at home just going on the computer or reading. I can only remember one time when I ever did anything social with friends outside school, I went to Games Workshop with a few of my friends on a Saturday morning when I was 14. That’s it. I’ve never been out to any pubs or cinema (except when I was a little kid) with friends or done anything worthwhile at all.
Now because of all this I am a very boring person, I can’t see why anyone would want to be friends with me at all. I am considered a huge freak in most peoples opinion, probably even to a lot of you who understand what SA is. I’m so lonely but at the same time really scared of talking to people because I don’t really know how to. I don’t know what things to talk about and I’m so boring and life-inexperienced that I have nothing interesting to say. Another thing is that I just don’t know where I could meet people who might want to be friends, all everyone here seems to like doing is getting drunk which doesn’t interest me at all.
I don’t know what to do, I think most people would be better off if I wasn’t here.