I’ve known something is wrong with me for years but I have been avoiding facing up to my problems. I have been practically confined to my house for almost a year now, the only time I go out is to rush to the shops and back for food or to walk where there is no-one around. I have hardly spoke to anyone outside my family except for the rare job interviews I’ve had, all of which have gone badly because I get so incredibly anxious.
I decided recently that I need to face up to this social anxiety and do something about it because my life is going nowhere. I’ve already missed out on so much in life and I don’t want to miss any more. I never went to my school prom or any of the Christmas parties, I dropped out of university because of this, fallen out with the few friends I had and basically had no life for my teenage years and early 20’s.
I made a small step this week by telling my sister about my social anxiety and she was very supportive about it. I felt bad because she is 2 years younger than me and I didn’t want her to worry about me and it was extremely hard for me to talk about it to someone in real life. I had to write it down because I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud, how pathetic is that? I couldn’t even tell my own sister, my only friend 😦
I want to go to the doctors about this but I had such a hard time talking about it and I don’t think I can manage to tell a stranger about what I am going through. I keep thinking that he will say there’s nothing wrong and I am just “shy” or something like that. I can’t even bring myself to phone up and arrange an appointment, I hate using the phone so much and I have to psych myself up for a long time before I can even call for like a pizza or something inconsequential like that. I want to get help but I don’t know if I can face my problems being brushed aside and being told to just get on with things. I’m so depressed just thinking about what a complete waste of a life I’ve been, so many missed opportunities…