Every time I started to write a new post, I just froze because honestly I’m ashamed of how little I’ve done since the last time I wrote any kind of substantive update. The past few years have been mostly uneventful and I just haven’t had the motivation to write anything that could be worth reading.
Looking back it seems like the last real update was when I started back on antidepressants. I carried on taking them for over a year but the gradually started losing effectiveness and I couldn’t afford to keep paying for them. The NHS prescription levy isn’t that much (about £8 per month) but that is a lot to me since I have no money and massive debts from university due to having to pay fees out of pocket which I still have on credit card. To make things worse, I tried getting an HC2 certificate for people on low income but once it expired I didn’t realise it was out of date and ended up having to pay a £50 fine, which I could not afford so in the end I just stopped taking them because it was all too much.
I did manage to get into therapy for a few sessions which I did find helpful, but after the initial 8 appointments I was supposed to have to wait for 6 months before I could re-apply, but as usual I still have not been able to do that for all the various stupid reasons that prevented me from trying to get back into therapy for all those years. I’m still holding out hope that maybe I could possibly get back there and see the same therapist because I feel like he was the only person who really understood me and where I was coming from. It probably took 3/4 of the sessions to get to that point and I simply cannot face trying to go through all the explanations again for what would probably be the 5 or 6th time, it is just too painful and embarrassing. Knowing my luck, he’s probably moved on just like everyone else I have ever had try to treat me.
I did perhaps made a little progress when it comes to social anxiety, it can be hard to tell because most of the time I have little or no chance to have any kind of social interactions. A couple of years ago I started going swimming with my dad on Saturdays and through some weird turn of events he ended up talking to a woman who was there with her daughter and told them it was my birthday. The daughter (who is about the same age as me) came over to wish me a happy birthday and we actually ended up talking a bit because she worked at a tech company and I told her I had done computer science at uni and and some web development. This probably all sounds mundane to most people but over the following few weeks I managed to talk to her more and got to know her a bit.
She is a very nice person and it became the highlight of my week to go swimming because I knew I might get to see her. I know how sad this sounds, but it’s true. At the back of my mind I knew I was being foolish for thinking that she could really care about me, she’s beautiful and successful and pretty much the exact opposite to me, I couldn’t even understand why she continued to talk to me. I realise it’s unhealthy but seeing her was pretty much the only thing I looked forward to. Sometimes she wouldn’t be there and I’d be filled with anxiety that it was my fault, that I had said or done something stupid and ruined it all but she did come back. That was until this summer. I knew she was going away for a several weeks to the country where her mother is from because they were going to see family but I didn’t know when she’d be back. For about 6 or 7 weeks I would get my hopes up, only to be disappointed every time.
I sent her a message (we are facebook friends but I am always reluctant to contact her much because she doesn’t really use it much and I don’t want to be overbearing) and found out she and her mum had started going to the gym instead of swimming and I can’t really express how sad it makes me that I don’t get to see her any more. I have been able to talk to her a couple of times when I saw her leaving the leisure centre as I arrived in the last month but didn’t have more than a few minutes to say much, and I felt like my usual stupid tongue-tied self.
I always wanted to get to know her better but I was always afraid of saying anything because I didn’t want to come off as a creepy guy or drive her away, but thinking back, I know I wasted my chance to make any kind of real connection. There were times when I might have been able to say something but I was too afraid that it would backfire and I preferred to have that fantasy not destroyed. I do realise how ridiculous it must seem for a 30 something to act like a stupid teenager but that’s just where I am.
It feels wrong to even admit that I have these kind of feelings for someone because a fucked up freak like me doesn’t really deserve to have any kind of affection, but I really like her so much and it would make me so happy to know her better and be part of her life but I don’t think it’s ever possible to be more than a casual acquaintance, if even that is possible now. I had a chance where I could have tried to say something, but I just have no idea how or what I could say that wouldn’t come off as weird. I keep wanting to reach out and say something but I don’t know how to tell someone that I want to know them better.
There aren’t many things I can think of that could realistically make me happy but it would mean so much to me if I could spend time with her. I doubt it can ever happen now though, as with all people we are drifting apart because I have nothing to offer and no idea how to connect with people.