No Progress

02Feb14

(warning: suicide discussion below so don’t read if that bothers you)

I didn’t realise I had left it so long to update, time seems to pass very quickly when you don’t have a lot happening in your life. Throughout 2013 I don’t think there was a single time when I met up or spoke to anyone who could remotely be considered a friend. The last year I have slid backwards so much, it’s so disappointing compared to how relatively well I was doing in say, my last year of uni. I am practically back to 2007 levels of isolation but in a way it is a lot worse because at least back then, I know with hindsight that I had somewhere to go. I was younger and I had that opportunity of going to university as a second chance at life. I was yet to meet some of the people who, despite only making the very faintest of a connection with, at least didn’t mind spending time with me and didn’t go out of their way to make me feel worthless. Unfortunately the circumstances that led to that, being at university or talking to them online, have now evaporated and I’m back here on my own again. It is impossible, for example, that any of the people who I lived with at while I was away at uni would ever have got to know me under any other circumstances than us being randomly assigned to share a flat. The people I knew online have either moved on entirely and no longer need to talk to a disastrous loser as me or I have neglected to talk to them for so long they have forgotten about me. I don’t have anything to say anyway. My life is empty. I don’t have anywhere to go or anything of note to contribute to anything.

It is strange to look back and think about how strongly I felt my life was over and wanted to die so much during the time when I tried to kill myself. Strange because everything was immeasurably better back then. It took another 3 years, until I was in my final year of university to realise how much I actually benefitted from being there and appreciate all that I had built up over those few years from when I felt at my lowest point (before I started blogging) and now it’s all gone. There’s no way I was worse off in 2009 than I am now. I wasn’t hurting for money or unemployed, I had people who would spend time with me. I had friends online.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about how I tried to die and I have very conflicted feelings about it all. I feel bad for all the trouble I caused other people but I don’t think I was unjustified in what I did. Some people might expect me to be thankful that I was unsuccessful and that I ought to be glad to be alive but I am not. Do I wish that I had died? I would have missed out on some good things but none of them really make up for the pain and disappointment that I feel having to be me. If I could choose to change things, I wish I hadn’t been found and everyone could just put me to rest and get on with their lives.

I don’t feel fully justified in using the word ‘pain’ to describe how I feel but I don’t know how else to word it. I feel more of a sense of crushing inevitability and a dull ache than serious pain. I hate being the awful, worthless person that I have become. There are few bigger examples of wasted opportunity than me.

It was my birthday in January and it was one I have not been looking forward too. I don’t think I will be able to stand reaching a milestone age next year and still being the same unaccomplished loser. I have a suspicion this year may be my last. Back in 2009 I could have been convinced that it wasn’t too late, that I could have turned things around because I had time on my side. Looking back, I can admit that I was wrong about some things because it wasn’t too late at 24 to do anything. I’m rapidly approaching passing the point where if I was to die it would be considered a tragedy and reaching the stage where people would wonder what took me so long.



6 Responses to “No Progress”

  1. 1 Eleanor

    I know I don’t know you, but you describe how I have felt for many years. I am better now, with the help of a very good counsellor and meds. You are very ill and that makes you think you are worthless. You’re not. I would be sad if you died. I do mean that. You can get better at any age.

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  2. 2 sarah

    Hey Nick, I’ve commented on your blog before and I can relate to lots of what you’ve been through with social anxiety & depression. You are very smart and very insightful and you are hurting right now. Please don’t forget that depression affects our thoughts and it clouds our perspective on lots of things – most of all our thoughts of ourselves. I’ve been dealing with both social anxiety and depression for years and I think they both make each condition worse. Please get yourself some help, even if you feel like you can’t reach out to a counsellor or therapist at the moment, if you can then please do but if you can’t at the moment then please do some self-help – Dr David Burns has some excellent books that help self-manage depression- there’s one called Feeling Good which has really helped me many times when I’m trying to drag myself out of the depression hole. If you need a friend you’re welcome to email me or get in touch – all of us that are dealing with social anxiety would love to make new friends :-) Take care, Sarah

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  3. 3 Olivia

    Hey Nick!
    I´ve commented on your other posts as well. I wish I knew you more personally to help you. Honestly, there must be a way to convince you that you are not hopeless, worthless or any of those things. Take it from a stranger, I already really like how you are open, and you seem a considerate person. As I commented before, I know what it is like to have housemates who make you ffeel worthless, it takes a huge toll on your life.Trust me that you still have a way to get to the person you wanna be, do you know who you wanna be? You can be anything, YOU CAN! You need to find out what makes you happy. Perhaps if it is too difficult to focus on making yourself happy, you can try and contribute to making others happy, which might help you feel a little bit more proud of yourself.
    I know you don´t feel like these things will help, that is what it feels like in depression.
    If you want to, I would like to help you to find things that might make you happier, perhaps together we can try to see if anything works for you.
    You are totally free in your decision, but if you would like to, email me! Perhaps that way we can find a way to get happy without people.
    Really, friends are nice, but as long as people are people EVERYONE will dissapoint you at some point. And you might dissapoint them. That is unfortunatly how it goes. Stay strong nick, there is light at the end of the tunnel, trust me, it will get better. Let us help! :)

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  4. 4 ATQG

    I’ve just found your blog after searching for blogs on social anxiety. I can relate to how you feel. I’m 34 and have suffered with anxiety since I was 12. It’s hard, and I definitely go through cycles of ups and downs. Suicidal ideation has been a problem for me, too. However, please do not give up on yourself!! Your life has a purpose, even if you haven’t figured out what it is yet. Please hang in there… and thank you for sharing your struggles… know that you are understood. I’ll pray for you….

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  5. 5 Rolanda

    Hi Nick, I have found herbal remedies to help me. Maybe that sounds kooky but they are backed up by some science, so have a go -
    http://greenlivingideas.com/2014/04/19/top-ten-natural-home-based-therapies-for-anxiety-and-panic-attacks/
    and hopefully something on that list will help you.

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