Zero Self Esteem

25Jul13

I’ve been feeling extremely down for the past couple of days. Someone who went to the same school as me and who is 2 years younger than me moved in to the house next door. I never really spoke to him when we were younger but we know who each other is. The other day, I was walking back from the bus stop and ran into him and he ended up talking to me as we walked back to where our houses are. He said something like “I think I’m living next door to you now. You still live there don’t you, with your mum?” and a bit later asked how old I am and what I’m doing. I don’t know whether it was intended to be malicious but I think it almost certainly was a jab at me. It made me feel upset but then is it really any surprise that people think I’m pathetic?

I often think the worst things possible about myself, I genuinely dislike and resent who I am but even so, I simply can’t handle criticism from other people about it. It is probably the main reason I avoid so many things. Every nasty thing people could say about me is true, so how I am supposed to handle that? It’s hard to know how to deal with being a loser. I’ve read things about dealing with low self esteem but they seem to rely on the assumption that the person reading them actually isn’t worthy of derision.

It has been a long time since I’ve felt this low and I am back to the point where I can’t see a future for myself. At least not one that I want to be a part of.

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26 Responses to “Zero Self Esteem”

  1. 1 Gemma

    Hi. I’m not really sure what to say but you don’t deserve criticism from anyone. You’re not pathetic – you have difficulties that the vast majority of other people don’t have to deal with, therefore they are in no position to criticise you for being in the situation that you’re in. It’s horrible that people have been so cruel to you. :( I wish people weren’t so judgemental.

    Like

    • Thank you Gemma. I haven’t had many people be cruel to me in recent times though because I hardly ever interactions with other people.

      Like

  2. I am feeling very similar right now. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone,.Everyone has those times when we just feel like we are stuck and everyone is looking down on us from their life that somehow always seems like it is going better than ours. I believe that you are not a loser. Just stay positive and you will realize that you are actually pretty great. Sending positive vibes your way!! :)

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  3. 4 Eleanor

    It’s like you are talking about me. It took me years of therapy before I could even think about moving out from home. It wasn’t until I was 31 that I felt able to live alone. I thought this truly was an impossibility due to depression/SA. ‘Society’ made me feel like a pariah because I still lived at home with my Mum. So I was uncool up to 31, now I am cool? No. I am the same person. **** society. I think if you found the right therapist it would turn your life around. You are doing well just to stay alive, nevermind where you live. You are not worthless – it is the depression that makes you feel that way.

    PS CBT may work for some people, but didn’t for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 5 Mle

    It sounds to me that he was just trying to make conversation; Those are small talk questions. However obnoxious those questions may be (i find them annoying) they only are only meant to hopefully stir up convo.
    I cried bc my dentist was being too harsh the other day. I wasn’t talking enough to him. No matter how pathetic we act or are we don’t deserve all the criticism we give ourselves. it’s too much!

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  5. 6 skinnyhobbit

    Hey,
    Your blog has been a great encouragement. :)

    I thought I’m the only one dreading a future job-hunt after absolutely shitty previous jobs…can so relate to bring bullied at work.

    I’m sorry you’re not doing well, I hope you can be kind to yourself.

    I really agree on how all the self esteem stuff assumes people have a supportive network or are generally “find one thing you’re awesome in!”

    You’ve got your degree with much difficulty, it may not seem like a thing worthy of accomplishment but it is. Each of us have difficulties and sometimes maybe we need to give ourselves some credit…You write enviably well! :)

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  6. It’s been a long time since I’ve read your blog but thought I’d pop in and say hello.
    From my perspective it doesn’t sound like this guy was being malicious in asking you about what you’re upto – I think people are just inherently curious about others lives and/or just use those sorts of questions to start up a conversation.
    On the topic of self esteem, something that has helped me immensly is making a list of all my positive qualities (not qualities I want to have but that I actually have now). It’s hard at first and takes a bit of thought, especially if you aren’t used to thinking of yourself in a positive way, but it’s really worth it. And it’s best to aim for a high number (say 15 or 20) otherwise it’s tempting to just stop when you get to 3 or 4.
    Looking forward to more updates from you :)
    Melanie

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  7. Tough man to here these kind of things, I wish I could tell you the opposite and you would believe it, but thats something you need to find inside yourself. I once suffered with social phobia, but now I’m free. Here is a testimony that I can’t believe I’m sharing with people. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrepJUBr2SM

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  8. When I was younger, I had some of the same issues you are having. I found that “role-playing” helped me resolve these issues. After a while, I actually developed into the “character” I built up inside myself. I wrote a little about here on my blog: http://forever-alone.me/5-habits-overcome-social-anxiety/

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  9. Hi- I’ve been a reader of your blog for a little while. I hope you are safe as you haven’t posted for a long time. I identify with a lot of what you talk about and I really wish you the best.

    L

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  10. You have to love yourself in order to be happy first

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  11. 15 Olivia

    Hi nick,
    this is just the first post I am reading of you, since I just realized my social anxiety in certain situations.
    You have to find things you do like about yourself.
    I just started running and I love that I can set goals (very little ones but still) and actually achieve them.
    I get a lot into hobbies, it helps me to remind myself you really do not need anyone.
    And you CERTAINLY dont need anyone to let them determine your self worth.

    I have just lived 5 months on my own in a foreign country, I wanted to buy in the dream everyone talked about.
    I wished I still lived with my parents, and when I get back, I certainly wont move out the coming decade.
    It is incredibly lonely and my housmates make sure I feel just a little bit lower and less worthy every day.
    Am counting the days now, and seeing you deal with the same kind of situations/isues as I do, helps to know I am not strange and the only one.

    YOU are NOT alone as well! That guy get´s his self worht out of buying a house, pretty lame huh? when there are so many other beautiful things. Find which ones give you happiness and focus on them.(such as family, you are lucky to be returning to a loving home every day!) and again, you are not alone, my housemates do this all the time..
    I just checked this post was from a long timeago, I hope you are doing better..

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    • Thank you for the comments. I don’t want to seem dismissive but there really isn’t anything that I do like about myself.

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      • 17 Olivia

        Maybe it does not feel that way. But I think, perhaps with help, you can find help. Maybe one of your greatest characteristics is that you can write well, open and you already seem like a considerate person, telling me that you dont wanna seem dismissive, you care.
        Whenever I had a friend that left me, I sometime sfelt like, I was a good friend to you… even when it made me feel worthless. Do you know that feeling? If you try to aim for it, what would make you a good friend? We already have open and considerate, caring. Do you have any hobbies? And you know, by putting you self so low, you are very very overly modest! I think you may be a great person, even without knowing you. As I said in another post, If you want, we can try and find things out together. I and a lot of people here would like to help you.

        Like

  12. You have that amazing advice for Nick, Olivia. I hope he’ll see your feedback.

    Nick, you are special and you have all the abilities that you can be proud of. You only need to believe in yourself!

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    • 19 Olivia

      Thank you! I hope so too, even perhaps with no responses, I hope he is watching.. Stay strong Nick!

      Like

  13. It’s refreshing to here someone talk about anxiety with honesty. I too suffer from anxiety and have those daily battles with myself. Stay strong.

    Ann-Marie

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  14. Thank you for commenting everyone. I am going to write a new post very soon.

    Like

  15. 22 Dave

    Nick and others, here are some thoughts based on by experience with anxiety. My experiences and views may help some but may not be applicable for others.

    I consider anxiety is a deep seated problem, it is not something on the surface that can be easily fixed. I think it it is largely something we are born with often kicking in a big way at puberty. In my case I have close relatives with it, so it certainly can be inherited.

    I liken it to a fire in tinder dry forest, all it needs is spark and off it goes. I think therapies such as positive thinking, CBT, mindfulness etc are helpful but are really only eliminating the spark not the enormous fuel load some of us carry.

    I have found in myself anxiety resides primarily in the muscles and gut, but no amount of relaxation or massage can release this anxious tension. That was until I stumbled upon techniques which work on the subconscious mind such as hypnosis. I have also found the SSRI drugs useful but more about that later.

    Since working on my subconscious I have had a lot of tight muscles release and feel a lot more relaxed and less tired than I used to be. I still can have panic attacks, especially when caught in awkward social situations but at least they subside fairly quickly and I don’t fret and blame myself about them for days / weeks after like I used to.

    I also notice that I am very sensitive to foods. If I am feeling anxious and irritable for no apparent reason it is often due to what I have been eating or drinking. Foods and beverages rich in salicylates such as fruit, tea, beer, wine, soft drink, herbs, tomatoes will quite often be the cause. Alternately tasty foods such as cheese, chocolate, olives, processed meats which are naturally high in amines will have a downer effect on me. It is not unusual for me having trouble waking up and then spending a day in a daze after overdoing tasty foods. I hope such food intolerances will disappear when the anxiety leaves my body. For the time being going bland with food is quite often a way to settle my mood.

    Regarding the SSRI drugs, I usually can only tolerate them for a week at the most as I have such strong side effects. The side effects are usually pronounced levels of anxiety and irritability, very unpleasant indeed. It is only when I come off them that my muscles start to release and I feel an up step in my mental health. Obviously they are allowing something to boil to the surface which I can then let go. Hypnosis also has the same effect, a few days after a hypnosis session I will feel dreadful but then the muscles release. So be warned, from my experience working on your subconscious is not to be taken lightly.

    I hope my journey may be of help to others.

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  16. Please take the time to see what you love about life, there has to be something even if it is a small thing value it and value life.

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  17. I’ve been trying to get over anxiety for a long time. There’s only been a few effective ways for me… It’s really hard, to the point it takes you into depression.

    Some of the symptoms I had were
    -jittery
    -dizzy
    -afraid to die
    -panic
    -feeling like I’m having a heart attack

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  18. Things can be tough at times and it can be life and people are against us. The thing to do is to look at what lessons we can learn from what we are experiencing and use them to improve the situation that seems to be keeping us stuck.

    Like

  19. At this time I am ready to do my breakfast, when having my breakfast coming
    over again to read additional news.

    Like


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